I love this long “rambly” post, @AndrewField81 (love that word!). I don’t think you are so different from at least some of us. I also find you very honest about yourself, refreshingly so, which I think comes from the kind of deep delving you’ve done into yourself. I had a similar experience, not so much meditation, but oddly enough, reading tarot cards. I stopped for years because I found the experience disturbing, and after years of therapy picked it up again, with a very different experience.
But I found your deeply personal account grapples with important questions which even here, on this site, we do not always get to… maybe in the writers underground group, we do more of it. It takes personal honesty, generosity, and, yes, courage to share this stuff, Andrew. Thank you so much, there is a lot to think about here!